I have cooties!

There, I said it. Now you know my awful secret. Except it's not a secret, and I'm not alone. EVERYONE HAS COOTIES THIS WEEK. Every single substitute on the list has been pressed into service and teachers are begging each other to cover one another's study halls. I personally had to do a half-day yesterday because my son had the throwing-up cooties, and I dragged myself here today using sheer willpower alone because I have the coughing cooties.

I taught college for eight years before coming to Out-of-Door and I don't ever remember being sick this frequently, even when I lived in Ohio. I'm trying to view this as a chance to become immune to a wider array of bacteria, but it is growing difficult to remain cheerfully optimistic about it while I'm actually doing it. I suspect the vector of the disease at hand is my mega-stapler, Dewey. Dewey will easily slam through 25 pages or more at a time, so everyone wants to feel its awesome power. Evidently they're doing so with germy hands, see: You sneeze, then pick up stapler. You tell me stapler is out of staples. I go to refill stapler, touching sneeze-germs. AND THEN I GET THE COOTIES. And so does your girlfriend, because she touches it next, and then you hold her hand and you get them again. It's a vicious cycle, people! See than bottle of hand sanitizer? Use it. That can of disinfecting wipes? Help yourself.

Help keep American cootie-free!